Posts Tagged 'Yannick Noah'

Joakim Noah is garbage.


 Something happened recently regarding Joakim Noah that prompted me to join an anti-Noah facebook group. Looking for one, I was overwhelmed with possibilities. There were just so many groups. Groups like “At Least I’m Hotter Than Joakim Noah”, or “Joakim Noah Is About As Cool As AIDS” or “Joakim Noah is a BITCH”, which was the front-runner for me, until I spotted (and chose, despite the grammatically miserable name) “If I Was Joakim Noah, I’d Kill Myself”. Clearly I’m not alone in my assessment of this guy’s human value.

He’s garbage.

We can take a trip back through time, starting with his recent tantrum in practice, where he mouthed off to Chicago Bulls Asst. Coach Ron Adams.  The incident was severe enough (and compounded by Noah’s frequent late arrivals to practice and team meetings) to warrant a one game suspension, doled out by interim Head Coach Jim Boylan, followed by an unprecedented extra game suspension given by his own teammates. Yes, even Noah’s teammates can’t stand him. Before his prima donna fit of retardation, Noah was averaging a paltry 4.5 points per game, 3.4 rebounds and 0.6 blocks, entrenching him firmly among the league’s least productive rookies, or players in general so far this season, despite drafting high (9th overall) and taking in more than $2.1 million dollars.

Here is a picture of Noah on draft day.


 No one in the Bulls organization could’ve been happy to see that. I mean, look at that. He looks like a velociraptor dressed-up as Snoop Dogg.

Despite the fact that Noah was touted for having tremendous potential and athleticism as a member of the Florida Gators, he had weak showings in both the regular season and tournament play. One notable regular season Noah flop happened in December of 2006, when the eventual National Champion Gators lost to my Florida State Seminoles, 70-66 (this game prompted another classic Noah-themed Facebook group, entitled: Al Thornton Made Joakim Noah His Biatch). Even with a considerable size advantage, and stronger teammates, the 6’11” Noah was pushed around all night by FSU’s 6’9″ Al Thornton*. Noah finished with just 11 points and 4 rebounds, while Thornton finished with 28 points, 9 rebounds and 1 monster block. Noah would go on to embarrass himself in the 2007 Championship game against Ohio State, where he was once more outplayed and outclassed, scoring just 8 points and 3 rebounds.

To be fair, Noah was voted Most Outstanding Player of the 2006 NCAA Tournament, certainly due to a decent all-around showing in the championship against UCLA, anchored by a record six blocks. Here’s the thing. When you’re 6’11”, you’re going to block some shots, particularly against a smaller, guard-focused offense like UCLA’s. See how the numbers dropped against Greg Oden and Ohio State one year later, and further still in the NBA, where some of the small forwards are taller than he is.

You know who else was 6’11”? Bill Laimbeer. And Bill Laimbeer, despite a total lack of athletic prowess or coordination, was a four-time all-star, maintains the Pistons’ all-time record for rebounds, and scored more than 10,000 career points. Laimbeer also brought us Bill Laimbeer’s Combat Basketball for Super Nintendo.


 Bill Laimbeer today, at 51-years-old, could outplay Joakim Noah in the post and, short of that, could knock the kid’s face around until it came out looking halfway presentable. Point is, having a natural height advantage often opens the door to the NBA, even for players without much natural athleticism or basketball talent**.

No one can question Noah’s athleticism. The kid is tall, has incredible reach and moves up and down the court as fast as anyone. The thing is, and this is perhaps the root of everything that’s wrong with Joakim Noah, he’s had every natural advantage a kid could possibly have and turned out the way he has. He’s a natural athlete. Okay. It probably helps that his father, Yannick Noah, was a world-class tennis player who won the 1983 French Open. Archie Manning’s kids have gone on to become two of the best quarterbacks currently in the NFL***. Grant Hill, son of 4-time Pro Bowl running back Calvin Hill, is putting the final touches on an incredible (though injury-riddled) career in the NBA. And Noah, despite his roots, coming up in one of the top prep schools in the country****, and spending two years as part of a phenomenal college basketball program, brings little more to the Chicago Bulls than a propensity for acting like a spoiled little bitch. Even Aaron Gray, the Bulls’ second round pick and third-string Center, has slightly better numbers than Noah.

Noah’s mother, Cecilia Rhode, is a former Miss Sweden (1978), and was also third runner-up at Miss Universe that same year. Despite his mother’s internationally-recognized beauty, Joakim came out looking something like a giant shaved pekingese dog. Granted, he does take after his father in looks, but he looks like his father after something went terribly wrong. Something involving a pekingese.


So Joakim Noah is garbage. He’s been given more opportunities and natural gifts than most and done little more than suck at life, suck worse at basketball, and inspire countless hate-driven facebook groups (and, now, a hate-driven blog entry). I’m happy to know he’ll more than likely fade swiftly into NBA oblivion, play overseas for awhile and never be heard from again. But I haven’t given up hope that some day, a day not far from now, I’ll be fortunate enough to stumble upon a news report about Joakim Noah clinging to life at some University Hospital after being attacked by a pack of wild dogs in an abandoned pool.

*Al Thornton was drafted 14th overall by the Los Angeles Clippers and, despite struggling to find a place in their rotation, recently dropped 25 points on the NBA Champion San Antonio Spurs.

**Other noteable talentless big men include: Greg Kite, Shawn Bradley and Eric Montross.

***Eli remains to be determined, but looks great for now.

****The Lawrenceville School in New Jersey. Noteable alumni include former Disney CEO Michael Eisner, Malcolm Forbes of Forbes Magazine and Huey Lewis of Huey Lewis and the News.